I'm Old and I'm Comin' Back

So, this isn't about Evan or I at, really, but I wanted to share. My parents live a subdivision called Lakeshore. It's filled mostly with old people, especially if you consider my parents old people but even if you don't. The neighborhood has all these rules (covenants), like most uppity neighborhoods in Mt. Pleasant do. Some examples of said covenants are: (a) no basketball goals left in driveways (b) no putting your trash out early (c) no more than 2 cars in your driveway and no cars on the street overnight. There's more, but that's enough for context. Anyway, to make an incredibly long story short, some of the old people have begun protesting that some of the members of the Homeowner's Association Board (of which my mom is one) have not been enforcing the covenants strictly enough. At a recent meeting my mom attended, a woman cried while also affirming that the covenants are like the Bible and should be followed as such. I certainly wish I was joking about that last part.

Anyway, my mom recently forwarded me an email conversation that has occurred between a bunch of our neighbors, a conversation I wish to share with the world. Annnnd, let the psycopath convention begin:

I would like to share with you what I observed today. Please read and think
carefully before entering your vote to change the covenant for early placement of trash. Yard waste has been placed in front of three homes on the DeepWater Cul de sac (older section) and one home on Waterlily. Today is Monday, January 5th and our pick up schedule is not until Thursday, January
8th. This means that for four days this yard trash/waste will remain an eye sore for our neighborhood. Do we really want our neighborhood to look like this? If you have any questions, I would love to talk with you.

Sincerely,
Crazy Old Person #1

DEAR MEMBERS OF LAKESHORE:
I am so extremely sorry that my yardman came today and left out bags of leaves in the front while I was working. He always puts these bags into the back of his truck but for some reason didn't today. I don't know why--perhaps he had an extra large amount of houses to attend to, or perhaps he was out of space or perhaps he had a new crew that didn't know the rules. Anyway, instead of feeding my 3 children right now (2 of which are crying) I will be removing the bags from the front, then swinging through McDonalds drive-through so that I can move on to part 2 of my plan--pistol whipping Mr. Wilson and forcing him to admit that he committed this horrible crime.
Thank you for understanding,
Hilarious Non-Old Person (and my new favorite neighbor) #1

Dear Hilarious Non-Old Person #1,
I forgive you. If it happens again though I am sure we should call the
police and have you arrested. You have committed a travesty. :)

From,
Hilarious Non-Old Person #2 (this guy is always in trouble for not folding up his gigantic basketball goal and putting it in his garage every night and then taking it out every morning)

All,
Since this email distribution list has become a platform to stump for votes, I'll throw in my 2 cents worth. We all work very hard during the week to make money to pay for our mortgages, loans, gas, HOA fees, etc. Naturally, the only real free time we have is on the weekends. Therefore, most yard work is completed ON THE WEEKENDS. I would love for someone to explain the logic in NOT being able to place bagged leaves, branches, etc. by the curb when you are done with your yard work. Implementing this covenant is counter productive and completely irrational. Basically, we're saying you have to spend hours doing yard work, bag it up, and then haul it from the yard into the garage or house. Then you get to haul it back to the curb 2 days later. It's not our fault the trash doesn't get picked up until Wed. morning. Again, I'm missing the logic in this covenant. We all can't afford to pay someone haul it off and we all can't afford to do double the work. Therefore, I'm asking that you please consider logic when placing your vote.

From,
Rational Non-Old Person #1

Dear all,
The covenants were consolidated and approved by a majority of homeowners not too long ago. They are intended to protect property values and ensure the pleasant appearance of our neighborhood. If you ignore them I would consider you selfish and antisocial. The Board should enforce all of the covenants, regardless of personal feelings.

Hilarious Non-Old Person #1: love your sense of humor; next time instead of the pistol, try a big bar of soap in a sock.
Hilarious Non-Old Person #2: if you can shoot hoops you can move the goal out of your driveway when you're done.
Rational Non-Old Person #1: you've got some Mexicans hauling your yard waste off, but you're the guy who cleaned out his garage on a Friday and we all had to put up with your little Mount Trashmore for 5 days.

Sincerely,
Crazy Old Person #2

And there you have it. This perpetual fight between crazy old people and normal non-old people has gone on for months and months. Apparently when you're a white retired yuppie the recession, global warming, the war in Iraq, and al-Qaeda all pale in comparison to the fact that these covenants are being loosely enforced. It makes sense though. If the elderly woman who can barely walk to the end of the driveway gets her son to come and pull her trash out for her a day early, she deserves the consequences. And if that consequence is a $25 fine each time with the possibilty of having a lien placed on your home by the Homeowners Association if it doesn't stop, so be it. I'd say to her the same thing I'd say to those liberal hippy antiwar freaks: shut up or get the F out. America!