Wedding Book

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Mr. and Mrs. Hilbert!

Hooray, we're married! We got married June 13 in Charleston, and it was, as predicted, the greatest day on Earth. Evan and I had the most fun ever, and it was so great to see all our family and friends. The ceremony was just what I wanted, and the reception was perfect. Well, I mean, I guess it was. We never ate any of the food...nor did we ever have to actually go to the bar for drinks. But I did eat the cake, and it was great. So, I'm sure the reception was perfect. Plus, I scored bonus points when I surprised Evan by having the DJ play our first "song," from way back when I still carried the freshman 15 (ok, maybe 20) and Evan's least favorite activity was going to class. I plan to use these bonus points in fights for at least the next 2-3 months. Score!

Unfortunately, we had to drive back to KY the next day so I could get right back to boring old bar review class. Lame. We're going on a honeymoon after I take the bar exam July 28-29. We're going to Disney to meet Mickey, Minnie, and maybe even Buzz Lightyear (Evan's personal hero). Until then, it's just the same old routine. I go to class every morning, Evan makes the bed really poorly, I come home and complain about that and then we fight over what TV to watch while I study. Ahhh, life is good.

Oh, and one final bit of news. Evan's first story since graduating was published the other day in The Leo, a Louisville alternative magazine. My little journalist! Here's a link.

Enjoy!

We Closed!

Well, we're officially homeowners! Hooray! I think that means we're adults, which, in turn, means Evan might have to stop making...how do I say it?..."junk" jokes. I don't see it happening.

Anyway, the good news is we own a house, it's in Audubon Park, and it has everything we want. The bad news is the people that sold it to us might be the dirtiest, laziest people on Earth. The countertops are covered in a layer of black scum. The floors are covered in literal dirt (like from their crappy potted plants). Everything is dusty (as in never-before-been-dusted-ever dusty). All the appliances are stained, and the fridge had a sticker in the shape of a trout on it when we came in. That sticker is now gone, but there's a nice little trout-shaped dirt outline on the fridge instead. The food pantry area of the cabinets were used by them to hold their recyclables (vomit), so there's all kinds of booger-esque food stuff stuck to them. Oh, and the upstairs carpet is soaked in cat urine!

In terms of laziness, there is much evidence of this as well. There are paint drippings on the hardwood floors (who needs dropcloths?!). There's paint on most of the door handles. The showerhead in the master bath appears to be secured with duct tape. They painted the guest bath red and clearly did not understand that a red wall requires more than 1 coat of paint. Nor did they take the time to paint around the towel bar, as there is red paint dripping all over it. Oh, and they painted over every face plate, switch, and outlet. That should be fun to try to remove!

Anyway, while this all really sucks a big one, it will be nice to look back on this house in a year (b/c that's how long I believe it will take to remove the scars of the old owners) and see how much better we've made it. Seriously, after we clean it and paint it we'll probably already have like $10k in equity in it. We're putting in new carpet to replace the cat-ruined stuff. We will utilize drop cloths when painting and also utilize two coats of paint where necessary. We also plan to clean, oh I don't know, ONCE A WEEK, instead of once a year, which is my best guess as to how often these people cleaned. It's been hard to temper my OCD and not worry about the cleaning issues, but with a lot of bleach and a little febreeze, I think I'll get there.

Here's some pics of us in the new house, right after closing. We were going to buy champagne, but we're pretty cheap, so we just split a Bud Light from the case we bought to bribe people to help us with the house. LJ loves his new yard! I took a pic of his first pee! Memories in the making, right here.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LJ!

April 6 was LJ's third birthday! Much has changed about our little guy since we first got him last September, but he's still the same old dog at heart. Let's go through some lists.

Things LJ no longer does
Spend half the night wandering in circles in the bedroom and/or pooping
Pee indoors
Chew through his leash
Wake us up before 6 am (well, usually)

Things LJ still does, despite being older and wiser
Poop in his crate (but only on bad days)
Scream as though being murdered in his crate
Destroy "indestructible" toys in 22 minutes or less
Eat tissues, paper towels, plastic, sticks and rocks
Growl at any person that is not Evan or I
Lick his own genitals

And that about wraps up the little man. He got a new bag of treats for his birthday. And we wore party hats. Unfortunately, LJ hates party hats...he mostly attempts to eat them, which makes sense, given the list above.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LITTLE MAN!!

The Final Countdown(s)

Today, there were snow showers and the high was like 38 or something. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I think I'll document some countdowns to better days ahead. Here goes.

Days until we close on our house, which means the current owners, their 7 cats, and the giant clay head in the master bedroom will be GONE: 5

Days until we graduate, which means I never have to hear a douchey law student conversation again...unfortunately, these conversations will likely be replaced by douchey actual lawyer conversations, but I think they'll be less frequent than what I endure here: 27

Days until we move, leaving Gloomington (Evan thought this one up the other day...he's my little comedian) and its never-ending wind behind forever: 28 (and if we could find time to graduate and move in the same day, we would do it)

Days until our WEDDING, on which I will become Mrs. Evan Hilbert, embracing marriage and its sexist undertones with open arms: 62 (unless I counted wrong which is highly likely because I have really embarassing math anxiety)

Now, if only either of us would find a job...things would be perfect!

Just like his father...

Hey, Sorry for the Neglect

I blame Steph. You probably should too.

Since Kentucky has plummeted to a completely abysmal level of basketball achievement, I suppose I could start contributing to this blog. It can't be any worse than watching Ramon Harris try to shoot or dribble, am I right?!?

I fear that joke was lost on all the chicks that probably read this, looking for all of our housekeeping tips and stories outlining my oft-chivalrous behavior. Nevertheless, I take it upon myself to update you all(?) on our lives as we embark on dreary ol' March (which, to be fair, is no different than dreary ol' October-February).

Currently---this exact second, I mean---Steph is angrily thrashing about in a sea of papers. I mean, I wish I could take a picture of the couch right now. It's covered in papers, binders, and snot-addled tissues. It's like a kindergarten teacher's desk---without all the candy. And Steph's not wearing a sweater vest with a ruler's likeness on it.

As for the month ahead, probably a lot of bitching about the weather and TLC-watching. If I'm lucky, Steph will be busy throughout the NCAA Tourney, so I'll be able to gain like 150 pounds while watching teams with a competent coach and point guard, you know, run offense.

Sorry, I'm still a little emotional.

Well, that's it. Sorry it didn't make any sense. No one said I was smart.

She's a brick house.

BIG NEWS, zero to three readers of this blog...

We bought a house! I mean, in the legal sense, of course, we haven't bought it yet. But we do have a contract and everything. It's in Louisville. And it's pretty sweet. Well, actually, it needs a little work, but we're up for it. Here's a picture of the soon-to-be abode:

Isn't she cute?! We're probably going to close April 15th since we still have to reside in Bloominghell until graduation in May. We'll have some time to clean and paint before we move, which will be nice.

Of course, we'll have to keep everyone updated on the changes we make. Some before and after photos, perhaps. I'm sure everyone will be waiting with bated breath. Bated? Baited? Hmm, who can tell?

Anyway, that's the big news. In other news, I'm watching Super Nanny all by myself on a Friday night because Evan is at the opera. Yep, opera. Ok, ok, it's for class. Me watching Super Nanny on a Friday in my pajamas, however...not academically required. Thus, lamer. Sigh.

HGTV should be calling soon

Here's a picture of my snow day craft. I would have put my initial first (obviously), but then it would spell SHE, which is weird. I hope that by creating this monogram pre-June 13, I haven't jinxed our wedding. We'll see if Evan breaks up with me or comes out or something in the near future.

In more HGTV-esque news, Evan and I bought this bookshelf/table thing today at Target on sale for $35! We put it together and didn't even fight once! Well, I mean voices were raised, but no actual fighting. PLUS, we finally got the cordless screwdriver I bought at the Black & Decker outlet in Charleston to work! To many, this is no feat at all, but our lack of handiness must not be undersestimated. So, despite the fact that cheap, wood veneer pieces of furniture like this come with detailed instructions and require no independent thought, I was still proud of us. Here's our newest edition being used as a TV stand in our apartment. Man, we're great.

Take a Glimpse

I see Steph tried to clue you in on how our life unfurls each day. Perhaps you wouldn't mind a slight addendum, from a, you know, man.

So, the snow. Good lord, the snow. As you've probably heard, the Bloomington area was bombarded by about a foot of snow Tuesday night. We can only assume this to be God's fault (probably because we live together). Anyway, class was canceled Wednesday, but we were back at it today. Apparently, you pansies in Louisville still don't have power.

Thursday night, Steph and I decided to embark on a journey to the movies, so that we could pay an exorbitant amount of money to watch Slumdog Millionaire. The movie was great, but that's not the point of this story. On the way back, we realized that it was, again, snowing. Unbelievable, we thought. So, after the foot on Tuesday, we get a day of clouds, and now more snow. Apparently, that cycle of non-melting climate will continue for all of February.

Awesome. Oh, L.J. shit in his crate for the second time today. It can only be seasonal depression for the little man.

Snow big deal

Well, we got 1 foot of snow! School was actually canceled on Wednesday! Plus, I skipped my evening class Tuesday because I set out in my car to go to class and almost slid into an intersection. F that. So, I just went home. And, of course, I have no class Thursdays or Fridays. Normally, I go to Louisville, but it seems Da Ville has a bit of an ice problem. So, I've been fairly worthless these past few days. Evan has been slightly more productive since he has class on Thursdays. We both ran on the treadmill today, though, so quit judging us!

I also cleaned the apartment. AND I made a craft. It's a little wooden plaque that we can hang above our bed once married with our initials on it, and, I'm sorry, it's the greatest craft ever made. Apparently the glue I used to stick on the wooden H,S, and E was mildly toxic, however, because Evan and I both developed headaches last night. Oh, and it may cause reproductive harm. But that's not the point because the real story is I made a fabulous craft, like Martha Stewart. I rule.

And the biggest story of all is that LJ went on a walk. No, you didn't misread, that's just how boring our last few days have been. Anyway, we put on his awesome little snow jacket and headed out because he was being a real shit. Well, we found out that LJ loves the snow! He kept rubbing his face in it and frolicking. He had snowflakes all over his little nose. What a guy. Here are some pictures of our pride and joy

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I'm Old and I'm Comin' Back

So, this isn't about Evan or I at, really, but I wanted to share. My parents live a subdivision called Lakeshore. It's filled mostly with old people, especially if you consider my parents old people but even if you don't. The neighborhood has all these rules (covenants), like most uppity neighborhoods in Mt. Pleasant do. Some examples of said covenants are: (a) no basketball goals left in driveways (b) no putting your trash out early (c) no more than 2 cars in your driveway and no cars on the street overnight. There's more, but that's enough for context. Anyway, to make an incredibly long story short, some of the old people have begun protesting that some of the members of the Homeowner's Association Board (of which my mom is one) have not been enforcing the covenants strictly enough. At a recent meeting my mom attended, a woman cried while also affirming that the covenants are like the Bible and should be followed as such. I certainly wish I was joking about that last part.

Anyway, my mom recently forwarded me an email conversation that has occurred between a bunch of our neighbors, a conversation I wish to share with the world. Annnnd, let the psycopath convention begin:

I would like to share with you what I observed today. Please read and think
carefully before entering your vote to change the covenant for early placement of trash. Yard waste has been placed in front of three homes on the DeepWater Cul de sac (older section) and one home on Waterlily. Today is Monday, January 5th and our pick up schedule is not until Thursday, January
8th. This means that for four days this yard trash/waste will remain an eye sore for our neighborhood. Do we really want our neighborhood to look like this? If you have any questions, I would love to talk with you.

Sincerely,
Crazy Old Person #1

DEAR MEMBERS OF LAKESHORE:
I am so extremely sorry that my yardman came today and left out bags of leaves in the front while I was working. He always puts these bags into the back of his truck but for some reason didn't today. I don't know why--perhaps he had an extra large amount of houses to attend to, or perhaps he was out of space or perhaps he had a new crew that didn't know the rules. Anyway, instead of feeding my 3 children right now (2 of which are crying) I will be removing the bags from the front, then swinging through McDonalds drive-through so that I can move on to part 2 of my plan--pistol whipping Mr. Wilson and forcing him to admit that he committed this horrible crime.
Thank you for understanding,
Hilarious Non-Old Person (and my new favorite neighbor) #1

Dear Hilarious Non-Old Person #1,
I forgive you. If it happens again though I am sure we should call the
police and have you arrested. You have committed a travesty. :)

From,
Hilarious Non-Old Person #2 (this guy is always in trouble for not folding up his gigantic basketball goal and putting it in his garage every night and then taking it out every morning)

All,
Since this email distribution list has become a platform to stump for votes, I'll throw in my 2 cents worth. We all work very hard during the week to make money to pay for our mortgages, loans, gas, HOA fees, etc. Naturally, the only real free time we have is on the weekends. Therefore, most yard work is completed ON THE WEEKENDS. I would love for someone to explain the logic in NOT being able to place bagged leaves, branches, etc. by the curb when you are done with your yard work. Implementing this covenant is counter productive and completely irrational. Basically, we're saying you have to spend hours doing yard work, bag it up, and then haul it from the yard into the garage or house. Then you get to haul it back to the curb 2 days later. It's not our fault the trash doesn't get picked up until Wed. morning. Again, I'm missing the logic in this covenant. We all can't afford to pay someone haul it off and we all can't afford to do double the work. Therefore, I'm asking that you please consider logic when placing your vote.

From,
Rational Non-Old Person #1

Dear all,
The covenants were consolidated and approved by a majority of homeowners not too long ago. They are intended to protect property values and ensure the pleasant appearance of our neighborhood. If you ignore them I would consider you selfish and antisocial. The Board should enforce all of the covenants, regardless of personal feelings.

Hilarious Non-Old Person #1: love your sense of humor; next time instead of the pistol, try a big bar of soap in a sock.
Hilarious Non-Old Person #2: if you can shoot hoops you can move the goal out of your driveway when you're done.
Rational Non-Old Person #1: you've got some Mexicans hauling your yard waste off, but you're the guy who cleaned out his garage on a Friday and we all had to put up with your little Mount Trashmore for 5 days.

Sincerely,
Crazy Old Person #2

And there you have it. This perpetual fight between crazy old people and normal non-old people has gone on for months and months. Apparently when you're a white retired yuppie the recession, global warming, the war in Iraq, and al-Qaeda all pale in comparison to the fact that these covenants are being loosely enforced. It makes sense though. If the elderly woman who can barely walk to the end of the driveway gets her son to come and pull her trash out for her a day early, she deserves the consequences. And if that consequence is a $25 fine each time with the possibilty of having a lien placed on your home by the Homeowners Association if it doesn't stop, so be it. I'd say to her the same thing I'd say to those liberal hippy antiwar freaks: shut up or get the F out. America!

Our Life, in a Weather.com Snapshot

Check out this weather map, and see why we bitch about snow all the time:

It is snowing in exactly one spot in the entire midwest. Sweet.